Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
