Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
