1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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