I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
