I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
