He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
