I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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