Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
