I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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