I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
