were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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