I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Less talking, more tequila
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
