You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
