im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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