just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
