the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
