you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
