I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
