I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
