I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
how does that bad decision feel?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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