He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Nicole vs. Life
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
