I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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