Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
