Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
