also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
