Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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