is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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