dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
