The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
