I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
