my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
