If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
