It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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