I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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