Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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