I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
