please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
