You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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