I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
