So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The air was thick with penises
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
