He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
