This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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