everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Couch. On fire.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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