I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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