Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
