mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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