I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
