It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
