she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
