butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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