In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Bring me that man meat
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
